Alone
So quite and calm
Alone
I can hear myself breath
Alone
I can feel myself move
Alone
No one can hear me scream
Alone
No one to hold
Alone
No one to love
Alone
No one
Alone
His wife
The look in his eyes in the morning
The touch of his hand
The sensation of his kiss
He makes me feel like the most beautiful women in the world
He loves me even with all my faults
He treasures even the small things I do
I smile just thinking about him
I close eyes thinking about his kisses
I daydream about him holding me
I am proud to be his wife
I am happy when he calls me his wife
I am in love and I am his wife
January 27
Spent my two days off setting up my friends apartment. It now looks like someone lives there.
Nothing much has gone on lately. Go to work, go home and get up and do it again the next day.
Pay the trash so that it would be picked up for the first time in two months. My landlord is a moron.
Well almost to work. Let’s see what happens today.
Fucking Landlord
We pay rent each month. No it’s not in the five day limit, but we are never later then the month. We don’t call when something is wrong. We haven’t called because of the four foot hole in the roof of our garage. We fallow your rules and we take care of our own shit. So why is it our trash hasn’t been picked up for two months. Why is it when I call them they say we don’t even have service. I’m so fucking done.
January 20
It’s been awhile because I have been sick. I have a strong hate for my sinuses. I love the smell of fresh rain and home cooked food, but every single winter for as long as I can remember I get sick because of crap running down my throat. I feel dead to the world and like my eye balls are gonna pop out of my head because of the pressure. The fact that I have to go to work feeling this way makes it even worse. DayQuil and NightQuil are my best friends this time of year. I may feel drugged as hell, but at least I can work.
Work has been ok. It has been super slow due to the off season so there are not a lot of flights and I don’t get a lot of hours. The crew is getting better at closing so it’s not taking as long to get out of there.
Spent my days off at my friends house just to get away since I have been sick for two weeks. I unpacked most of her house and now it actually looks like someone lives there. My friend doesn’t want roommates, but also won’t stay at her house alone so she stays with her boyfriend all the time. I am hoping this way she will spend more time at home.
Things with my husband are ok. I think we are living in a comfortable co existence. We have not been fighting and have actually been talking, but there is something that is missing. I still do not feel comfortable having sex in out house with a bunch of roommates. I don’t know why I hate the thought of it, but I do. We will see what happens when we go to Alcatraz in February for my birthday. Maybe I will finally feel comfortable and we will have sex again.
Well off to work I go.
January 14
See I already failed. I am a manager at McDonalds and I work evenings so I don’t get home till midnight and then I sleep till I have to go to work. I missed yesterday and I actually feel really bad and I just started this.
So where do I start today. Let’s start with work. I work at the airport and at the moment we are very slow and I don’t have a lot of people working which means the people I do have working have to work overtime to get everything done. The kids have been doing really well though. I call them the kids because I am 30 and they are all younger then me. I find that I am a strange on and I actually love my job. I don’t want to leave my job and I know that in 30 or 40 years when I retire I can retire from a job I love. Yes it’s fast food and yes it’s a crap job sometimes, but I enjoy it and look forward to coming in each day.
Working at the airport has its ups and downs. I get to see amazing people and people from all over the world, but I also have to deal with grumpy people who are very unhappy about their flights for one reason or another.
It’s cold here and I think I’m coming down with the “winter crap that sucks”. I hate not feeling good and having to work. I wish I could be a cry baby and not work and just stay home, but now I have to be a stupid adult and make money to pay bills and crap. God remember when we were kids and wished we were adults. Nope I take it back I wanna be 5 and take naps and not care about anything.
Well there’s my pointless rant for the day.
January 12
So I might be a little late, but I am going and try and write here everyday. It my not be interesting. Hell it could be boring as hell. I still want to try just to see if I can. Today I am watching the Oregon Ducks play the Ohio Buckeyes. I live in Oregon so this is a big game. Beer, pizza and football makes for an amazing day that’s for sure. As of right now the Ducks are losing and I am a very grumpy fan. On to finishing the laundry and then bed. Let’s see what happens tomorrow.
Hallyu Idol
Hair check
Make-up check
Cloths check
Cameras are flashing
People are talking
So many people are watching
So many people are waiting
Did she really do that
Is he really with her
Were they really there
With everyone one around there is still an emptiness
That feeling of you can I trust
Remembering a time when running down the street to get ice cream met getting on your bike and going, not where is the security and do I need a hat and glasses to hide
Being able to go out for a walk and get ice cream or eat at the local market because you know how good it smells from your window
Want to feel her hand as you stand next to each other, but no one knows she is “THAT PERSON”
Feeling his lips on your neck when he is standing be hide you beaming so proud with love, but no one can see it
To many there is one face, one personality and one life
To me there is a women who wants to be an adult, but the world won’t let her
A man who wants to love a women, but the people won’t let him
A child that wants to take photos with her friends, but the cameras won’t stop
Hurt
I don’t want to fight.
I don’t want to cry.
I don’t want to hate you.
I don’t want to hate myself.
How is it you can always find that one things that tears me apart and breaks me?
Broken
I want her back.
I want back the girl who told me she was amazing.
I want back the girl who ate Voodoo Doughnuts at 3am.
I want the girl who wants to go to the beach.
I want the girl who buys make-up and Shari’s at 2am.
You broke her. You took her away from us. You lied and lied to get what you wanted. You took from us what you didn’t deserve. You are the person we all despise. You are the reason we don’t let our children out after dark.
You play the victim, while she withers away in front of our eyes.
The broken heart will never mend.
The broken body will never heal.
The broken spirit is forever shreds.
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