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Stress to the point of sickness

It’s been a while.

It hasn’t been a while since I logged in. I have about 45 drafts sitting around. It’s been a while since I actually finished writing and actually posted something.

So let’s see what life has thrown at me.

1. My husband’s last day at his job he has had for six years is Thursday.

2. I had such a bad sinus infection I missed three days of work and might have to have surgery in six months.

3. I have to magically come up with the $800 for daycare April 1 and our loans won’t come in till at least April 12.

4. I have come to realize the friends I had before having a child have all but disappeared.

So where does this leave me. I am so stress about not having the money for bills that I can’t sleep at night. I’m living off of coffee and energy drinks. I have no one that I can sit down and talk to besides my two year old and my husband who happen to be the two people I live with so go figure. My house looks like a disaster area (not really but I have OCD so to me it does). I’ll probably write more now since this is pretty much the only way I have to get how I’m feeling out before it consumes me and I become depressed. I will do everything in my power before I let that happen and put my daughter and Husband threw that.

2 Comments

Posted by Gigglesaway84 on March 23, 2018 in Family, Friends, home, Life, Married Life

Tags: Annoyed, Anxious, depression, lessons, life, OCD, Rants, Stress, Wife

Can’t word sentence one

30 Dec

There has been so much I have wanted to say, but every time I went to type something all words were gone or something came up (I have a 2 year old it happens).

Within the past 2 weeks

A. One of the Korean Pop artist I listen to commented suicide.

B. My own mother disowned me and still showed up on Christmas to tell me how bad of a person I am.

C. I realized how large of a tribe I have and none of them are family.

D. Teenagers have no idea what a really job is or how to actually work.

E. That I raise my child different than most people I know.

F. Being adult means going to work even when you feel like death and just wanna crawl in a hole with your cold.

There is probably a lot more I could come up with, but these are the ones I actually managed to remember and write down.

A. Kim Jong-hyun from SHINee took his own life right before Christmas. He was/is and amazing singer and song writer. He also suffered from depression. Many people knew, they just did not know how bad, because he was always the light of the party.

When I was a kid I tried because I didn’t want to deal with School because I was picked on.

When I was an adult I tried because I thought the love of my life was done with me.

I am now 33 and married to the most amazing man ever. I live 1000 miles from everything around me when I was younger and have a happy, healthy and truly amazing 2 year old daughter.

Had I successfully ended my life I would have none of these things. You never know what is around the corner. Sometimes people can be helped and can get better. Sometimes nothing helps and they only safety they see and find is ending their own lives.

He will be missed and his songs will be loved by family and friends and fans for the rest of forever.

B. For my daughter’s birthday we are choosing to drive back home so she can see her grandparents and cousins that live there. Well my own mother, who lives 25 mins from us, is throwing a temper tantrum and told me she was not a grandmother to my daughter and that I am a horrible person for not letting her spend my daughter’s birthday with her. We see her maybe once every 2-3 months and she lives right down the road. Her other grandparents haven’t seen her for 2 years and they live 1000 miles away. Also we had decided that we were never gonna throw my daughter huge parties. Instead we are going to be taking family vacations so she grows up looking forward to them instead and once again that makes me a bad person.

I’m sorry I am not my siblings and do not need you to shell out hundreds of dollars on a 3 hour party. I’m sorry that I’m not my siblings and don’t need you to take care of every little thing we do. I’m sorry I’m an adult and can take care of my own family.

C. After the holidays I realized I have a tribe of people to help me with my little family and my daughter and none of them are my actual family. Not a single family member called on Christmas. Not a single one has called or asked about my daughter’s birthday. I am truly confused how people that have only known me a short time are more excited about these things then my own actual family.

D. I work with a bunch of teenagers who have no idea how to freaking work. I have worked wearhouse. I have worked out doors. I have worked fast food. I have worked call center. I have been a manager. I am 33 years old and I have the easiest job ever. You stock a water cooler. You fold t-shirts. You ring people up and talk to them. They have no idea how easy this job is and they are throwing it away.

E. I let my daughter do her own thing and learn at her own pace. I keep being told I need to do this and I need to do that. I will take your advice I promise, but please don’t tell me I am bad parent because I don’t do everything the way you think I need to.

F. For the past 2 weeks I have been living off DayQuil, coldess and vitamin c. I wish I was a kid again and could stay home and have my parents take care of me. Being an adult sucks.

January 20

20 Jan

It’s been awhile because I have been sick. I have a strong hate for my sinuses. I love the smell of fresh rain and home cooked food, but every single winter for as long as I can remember I get sick because of crap running down my throat. I feel dead to the world and like my eye balls are gonna pop out of my head because of the pressure. The fact that I have to go to work feeling this way makes it even worse. DayQuil and NightQuil are my best friends this time of year. I may feel drugged as hell, but at least I can work.
Work has been ok. It has been super slow due to the off season so there are not a lot of flights and I don’t get a lot of hours. The crew is getting better at closing so it’s not taking as long to get out of there.
Spent my days off at my friends house just to get away since I have been sick for two weeks. I unpacked most of her house and now it actually looks like someone lives there. My friend doesn’t want roommates, but also won’t stay at her house alone so she stays with her boyfriend all the time. I am hoping this way she will spend more time at home.
Things with my husband are ok. I think we are living in a comfortable co existence. We have not been fighting and have actually been talking, but there is something that is missing. I still do not feel comfortable having sex in out house with a bunch of roommates. I don’t know why I hate the thought of it, but I do. We will see what happens when we go to Alcatraz in February for my birthday. Maybe I will finally feel comfortable and we will have sex again.
Well off to work I go.

Broken

14 Oct

I want her back.
I want back the girl who told me she was amazing.
I want back the girl who ate Voodoo Doughnuts at 3am.
I want the girl who wants to go to the beach.
I want the girl who buys make-up and Shari’s at 2am.

You broke her. You took her away from us. You lied and lied to get what you wanted. You took from us what you didn’t deserve. You are the person we all despise. You are the reason we don’t let our children out after dark.
You play the victim, while she withers away in front of our eyes.

The broken heart will never mend.
The broken body will never heal.
The broken spirit is forever shreds.